Chill

I have started a few 'think pieces' and after reading them over I return to the conclusion that they are pointless and I am just yelling at people for doing what they know best, living. Maybe, pointless is not the right word to say, because there is worth in them words still. It is probably better to say they lack strategy. Even if what I have to say is, in my mind sensible. It might be better to shut up, send my initial thoughts to a friend via text and just finish my oatmeal allowing folks to just live? I get myself so wound up. If it isn't going to shake anyone's brain loose or make any actual tangible change in the moment, is it even worth it to have another think piece floating around by a non-expert? I do believe too many people think their opinion is more important than others which turns the internet into a million peoples non-critical self-serving hot takes. I want to point out that 'Expert' is a title I think is not only for academics but to people with real knowledge on a subject who truly care about the outcome. I don't think because your uncle sold coke makes you an expert on drug violence, this is reductive, but I bet you can picture this person on your feed? I am sure you can, they have a lot to say about a lifestyle they watched.

I keep giving an unneeded analysis of at the very least, one thing I see a day. It is something that probably pleases me more than I think it does. Like I get some sick satisfaction from seeing some person or persons making decisions an older me might have made or a reactive response I see as being unexamined. I catch myself internally judging someone for looking a little too much like a person I used to be. The common thing I do now is to convince myself I don't care, but oh, I REALLY care like obsessively care. I am trying to practice more patience, but also trying not to become impotent. Compassion by way of realizing there are outside forces at play and free will is, well mostly an illusion, because the motives behind our actions are riddled with complexities that we can usually not trace back to the source. And so I have been rethinking more effective ways to suggest solutions because people are here to learn not to be taught a lesson. I don't ascribe to a necessarily 'woke' lifestyle and believe the current use of the term is much too often used as a tool for or a mask of moral superiority. I see people more concerned about being right than doing right. If you confirm someone is 'problematic' or done something 'problematic' did anyone learn from this? Did we solve a problem or just give you a weird sadistic indulgence for being correct. It isnt about 'catching more bees with honey' kind of thing its more of you may be right, but because your delivery is asshole-ish you aren't going to change anyone's mind. Folks are more likely to double down on ignorance based solely on the fact that they don't want to ride with your team if it means they have to suck as much as you do.

It could be the time catching up with me, creaking behind me letting me know there is less time then there was before. Choices made before had reasons behind them and when you start to see the effects of those choices later in life you can't help but compare to what other people are doing, but regret or comparison only causes inaction it is the complete opposite of action. We only get this one life, unless you believe in reincarnation, which just sounds so stressful! I don't know if I'd want to live again, to be honest; it's embarrassing enough living this one life. I have to look more critically on my daily mind meltdowns which can range from contempt to resentment to envy. Why do I feel this way? What can I help by pointing this out? What might be a more effective use of my time and energy? It is just so easy to disconnect your humanness lately and I have to restructure my habits to relink myself and offer others the compassion and patience inwhich I would like to be afforded. This doesn't mean I have to be everyone's friend, disagreeing is a thing that will go down, but if I want to be understood than I have to be a little more tactful in response both inside and out. Basically, I need to chill in moderation because I still want to shake shit up and I believe some things I have to say are important and can be useful.

Richard Gutierrez