I keep setting my clock ahead by 5-10 minutes. It's a nasty ass habit. I’ve almost successfully beat the habit of Plan Shopping with people, something I’ve notoriously done in the past, but that wasn’t me as much as it was anxiety. I'm ok with committing to a plan without knowing all my options now, it is easier to do this when your circle is small I suppose.
I remember being so busy that I was mad when others were not, but what, exactly, was I getting done? Even by extracting 5-10 minutes from each rest period was I really doing anything? I suppose at times I was making things I saw as beautiful or worthwhile but that quest to do something meaningful or recognizable in my lifetime sliced me up into palatable pieces for people I did not want to necessarily give myself to. I found worth in my own production and faulty validation. Plan Shopping took the place of commitment to those that mattered most to me. I always say ‘support the block first’. If it’s meant to ripple it will.
All those tied up hours of task jumping didn’t actually show care. It was not multitasking, if anything it was burning my myself at both ends, over committing to various tasks, not splitting up my time. It all served as some kind of existential optimism. I don’t want to be a lazy person, I just don' want to feel like a walking piece of shit if my day has nothing on the agenda. Being busy is a false flag claiming that life is not meaningless if you are a busy ass person. It really can be that meaningless at times, not everything you do or say requires the weight of the world.
Lately I’ve been attempting to really lean into those moments of existential panic which is FUCKED UP to say the least. It’s so damn human to feel so much pain from uncontrollable things instead of focusing on what we can control like taking back 5-10 minutes of your day to do something intentionally meaningless and loving it.